i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
