I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
