Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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