Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You need a sexual gate keeper
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
