I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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