I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
