Your tits are I can't wait for
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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