my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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