is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize