why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude i'm inner monologue high
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
