my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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