I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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