So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
