I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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