I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
