When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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