Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
