I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
