Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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