I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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