Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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