if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
