He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
