You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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