Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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