I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
