I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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