Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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