Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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