his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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