saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
