I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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