what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
