at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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