I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
