I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
