well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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