There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
