I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i wish my penis had a tongue
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
