i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
