R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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