I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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