dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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