just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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