I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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