somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the condom got lost in my hair
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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