im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
