I will die if light touches me.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
