I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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