Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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