I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
