I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
