Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Randomize
