Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
