My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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