The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
