sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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