There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
