also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
