I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
