im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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