I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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