Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
