Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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