pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
What drink are we having for lunch?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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