It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
