Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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