just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
