i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize