dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
