we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
