A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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