Banned from zoo.
Again?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize