I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
