Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
