so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
