Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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