You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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