Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
