her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
