I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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